This week has been very hard for me. I have felt discouraged and unprepared. I could be having our little guy in just 2 weeks and I don't feel ready. I've been waiting so many years for this little guy to come into our life, and the time is coming so quickly now. I don't know what it is lately and why I've been feeling the way that I have been. Maybe all first time mom's feel this way? It has been hard since I can't physically prepare for his arrival. I also have been feeling discouraged that I have no control over the fact that my body can't physically keep in full term. I want him to have the best chance at life, and I want him to be healthy.
This morning I was able to go to the doctors, and I now go every single week. They check on my stitch to make sure it's not tearing or thinning. Dr. told Steve and I that if it is tearing even just a little bit he has to remove it. He told us that today could be the day. Was I nervous? YES. I felt my heart sink when he said those words. Did I pray my heart out that today wasn't the day? YES. Of course I did. And by God's grace, today wasn't the day. Our doctor then said that he is planning on removing the stitch the week of the 21st-of this month. I'll be 34 weeks. Our doctor is amazing, and he could sense I was getting worried. He told me everything is going to be fine and that we are so lucky that we've made it this far! He said Beckham is healthy and with the steroid shots it really should help his lungs. To be on the safe side, he said that I would get another steroid shot.. SO I got another one of those lovely's today. It hurt BUT if it helps Bex lungs, it's all worth it. Dr said that would be the end of the steroid shots! :) Steve, on the ride home kept telling me how excited he is to see Beckham in just 2 weeks. He's such a good hubby and I know he's going to make such an amazing father. Steve seems to have no worries of bex coming early. I asked him why he wasn't worried, and he said that everything will work out, and that God is in charge. I know this!! My heavens, I don't know why I have so much fear lately.
One of my dear friends texted this to me today. Perfect timing. I know without a doubt she was inspired to tell me this. She said I loved this quote from Pres. Uchtdorf last week during conference- "Please doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." Short, direct, simple and profound.
Then it hit me. I know I can't physically prepare for our little guy but I can spiritually prepare for him. I need to be relying more on my Father in Heaven and having faith that it will all work out. The way he intended. Because of him I've made it to 32 weeks! Because of him I've witnessed miracle after miracle during this pregnancy. It will all work out. I shouldn't have anything to fear because God is in charge.
Have you ever watched a mormon message? I love. those. I would go to those often when I was planning a lesson or Steve and I would watch them during an FHE lesson. I came across this as well today, and I loved the comfort it has brought me. It was a video made from the talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. Motherhood: An Eternal Partnership with God.
I love these parts of it: “Through the thick and the thin of this, and through the occasional tears of it all, I know deep down inside I am doing God’s work. I know that my motherhood is an eternal partnership with Him.”
Mothers, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones. Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are, better than you are, and better than you have ever been.
May I say to mothers collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are magnificent. You are doing terrifically well. The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility is everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging. Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.”
I'm excited for this new journey in mine and Steve's life. I know it's not going to be easy, and maybe all this fear that I've felt is taking on this huge new role of raising a little one. This is new to me, it's new to Steve. But how grateful I am to know that it's not just Steve and I who are going to be raising him alone, we have our Father in Heaven to help us. After all, motherhood is an eternal partnership in doing God's work.