Baby Blues#2

I went to the doctors today to get more blood work done, and because it's the holiday weekend they will be closed tomorrow. The doctor said they could get the blood work early so I know what's up. I'm still bleeding, so they want to make sure everything is okay. To be honest, I kind of had a hunch that things weren't okay. Usually women don't bleed when they are prego, only spot. But, Steve was super optimistic and being a great husband like he is, told me that everything is going to be fine. Some women have a period during pregnancy, which is true.

Let me back up a little. Tuesday night, right before we went and saw Eclipse with Tim and Marie I had really, really bad back pain. I just kept telling myself you need to suck it up if you want to have a kid. Heck yes. I'll go through tons of pain if that's what I have to do to become a mom. Well, right before we had to go, I ran into the bathroom and I started to clot. I just started crying and telling Steve I'm losing the baby. (Well, if a baby is what you call them when I was really only 3 or 4 weeks pregnant.) I don't really like calling it though because, I felt attached. Even though I was prego for just a couple weeks.

Anyway, So, I kind of deep down inside KNEW that I had lost the baby, but I wanted to keep my spirits high, and so did Steve. We went to the movie and we didn't think much else of it.

Back to today. Steve picked me up from work and drove me to the hospital during my lunch break. All the same nurses were there and they were super nice. Crossing there fingers for me while they took my blood work. They said they will call me by four to tell me if the pregnancy is a no go, or it's a promising one. The four hours at work took forever, and I had butterflies the entire time. 4pm came around, and still no call. I kind of had a hunch it wasn't good news. Maybe that's why they were taking so long to get back to me..dragging there feet. Lisa (the nurse) finally called me. She says "Keira, Unfortunately the blood levels dropped drastically. But, we want you to come in next week." Then I say, "oh, OK...I'll come in Monday morning." (Hoping that the levels, by some miracle might rise high again.) Lisa: "Well, no you don't need to come in Monday, come in on Thursday." (WHY THURSDAY???? NOTHING IS CHANGING. WHY DO I NEED TO GO IN ANYWAY?) This time I'm so frustrated and sad. I had a huge empty feeling inside. I'm not prego anymore.

Then I ask, holding back my tears "Lisa, so, I miscarried. Didn't I?" Lisa: "That's what must of happened, I'm sorry. But come in on Thursday for more blood work."

Me: "okay, thanks Lisa." No, really I'm NOT thanking you for being the barer of bad news. Even though I know it's your job.

I just sat in an empty room at work just crying. No one wants to hear that. I of all people didn't want to hear that. I went and talked with my work manager and asked if I could take a minute before I got back to work.

He said to take all the time I need. So I went back to the empty room and just cried. I cried, and cried. Who would of thought you could get SO attached with only knowing for just a couple days. My heart really goes out to my sister, and my friends who have had miscarriages long after finding they are pregnant.

I called Steve. Poor Steve. He's such a great husband. He's just like "Keira, what can I do to make you feel better? Just tell me." He was just as upset. I just said I needed to cry, and that I feel empty. 20 minutes later, I go back to my manager and tell him there's no way I can work. I'm too upset.

My manager (Mike) is super understanding. He said, Keira I understand, let's go. He waits for me, and wants to walk with me to make sure I'm okay. (He was supposed to leave at 4pm)

Let me paint a picture of mike. He's a pretty big dude. He has a goatee, and just shaved his head. He found out last month that he has cancer. He went immediately for surgery to remove the cancer that they found in his colon. He's been missing work, and just came back this week. He carries around a (man bag) if you will. It looks like a purse, but for a guy. The bag pumps chemo drugs right into him. He doesn't want to be home and resting, he wants to be working hard (as tired as he might be) for his wife and his cute little 2 year old. He is always smiling, and when ever anyone asks how he's doing he says great! And immediately wants to see how your doing, not to worry about him. He's always making jokes. His mom works with me too. She showed me a text that he had sent her when they were putting in his

chemo pump into his chest. The picture shows mikes feet and a caption that says "Mom, Chemo is boring." He sent her that to make her laugh, and it made a lot of people laugh.

So, Mike has a lot on his plate right now. We walk into the elevator, and he gets all teary eyed. He says "Keira, can I tell you a sad story?" I nod my head. But thinking why would he want to share a sad story with me when I'm already to my limits of being sad?

He says " I usually don't share this with people but I want to share it with you. He said my wife and I were pregnant before, before we had Sophia. She was 7 months pregnant and she had to go through labor and deliver the baby early. The baby had already died (before she actually delivered). " Wow. I had no idea. I'm really sorry Mike. "It's alright, Keira. I wanted to tell you this so that you know things could be worse. I know it's hard now, but at least you weren't further a long." He was absolutely right. Here I am feeling complete self pity for myself, and mike is carrying a chemo bag right now. He then says "It's all in the lords hands, you know that." That part shocked me. He doesn't believe in god. Maybe he's changed his heart and does now? I sure hope so. He knows I do though.

" I do know that Mike, your right." He tells me to have a good weekend, and we both get in our cars.

I start crying again. I KNOW that it's all in the lords hands. I KNOW. It still doesn't help the empty feeling that I feel. I do KNOW one thing that is true beyond my being that with him, my heart will be healed. I don't know why I have to go through this miscarriage, or why anyone does really. I don't know heavenly father's plan. So, for now I'm going to keep crying, rely on my father in heaven to help me let my heart heal and spend time with my best friend, Stevie.