To be honest, I was actually kind of dreading mother's day. Not because I didn't want to celebrate our mom's but the fact that it's a reminder to me that I'm still not a mom. This isn't a pity post. This is my journal, so I'm writing what I'm really thinking.
I don't know what my deal is the last couple weeks. I thought that I was completely content with not getting pregnant, but I keep getting this feeling like there is a void. I don't really know how to explain, it's like I can't be completely content with life, no matter how busy I make myself. It's not that I'm not happy because I am. Steve makes me happy and I'm so grateful for him, but it's just this feeling.
I actually haven't even told Steve how I was feeling. He understands..to an extent but not completely. He's really supportive and tells me the time will come...I know..I know..
I have a desire to be mom soooo bad, and it just doesn't seem fair.
So, when morning came (mother's day) I felt sad. Not the crying sad, just feeling in general sadness. Why can't I be a mom yet? I'm trying to do everything right. Am I not good enough to have a baby yet? What do I need to change? on and on...
Well, I put my pity party to the side, and Steve and I went over to the Ford's and had a fun time talking with Preston. It was actually really good. He comes home in only 3 weeks!!! So exciting! It's crazy he's been out for almost 2 years! Can't wait to see him! :)
Well, when we got home I starting getting ready to go to church. My phone buzzes and shows me I have a text. I look at it, and it's a text from one of our cousins. It said "Happy Mother's Day!! You can celebrate today too, because you'll be a mother before you know it! And when you are, you'll be glad you had a chance to learn a few more things, and you'll cherish your kids more because you had to wait a little while to get them. So have a HAPPY day today!"
That's EXACTLY what I needed to hear. How thoughtful of her to think of me on mother's day. I can't even describe the feeling of peace and happiness that I felt when I read that. My attitude changed, and I said a quiet prayer to heavenly father thanking him for letting me hear exactly what I needed to hear.
Steve spoke in church about his mom. He's such a good speaker. I seriously could listen to him all day (I'm not just saying that cause he's my hubby). He has such love and compassion for his mom, you know he just loves her and has so much respect for her. Everything he said just flowed together perfectly. I love his testimony.
We spent the rest of the day with our MOM's!!! Can I just say how much I LOVE these two??
MOM#1
This is my cute mamasita! I am so grateful for my mom! She's taught me a lot. I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for her and for my dad. I'm super blessed to have her as my mom! I remember mom and I having late night talks about what was going on in my life. She wouldn't let me go to sleep until I told her about my day. She did that with all of us kids growing up. She cared about me and for all the kids-she still does! I have so many fun memories with my mom. I'm grateful for everything she does and everything she has done for me.
She's really funny and I sure love her!
Mom#2
I'm super lucky! How many people can say they love there mom in law just as much as they love there mom? I love having 2 mom's! Ellen also teaches me so many things! I've learned a lot from her already, and I'm still learning. I love talking with Ellen, we also have a lot in common. I am so grateful to Ellen and how well her and Bob raised my hubby. He treats me with love and Kindness, I know he got this from his parents. I'm sure grateful for Ellen and I love her too!
And last but not least, I wanted to put this poem on here. Steve shared it in his talk.
I absolutely adore Sister Hinckley. She's a perfect example of how I want to be.
"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed some one's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived." — Marjorie Pay Hinckley
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed some one's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived." — Marjorie Pay Hinckley
Happy Mother's Day!
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6 comments:
aw Keira I know how ya feel but hang in there! :) We'll be Mommy's before we know it! <3
Oh Keira, you are so sweet! You are going to be the best mom ever...just hang in there! When the time comes, you will appreciate it THAT MUCH MORE!!! And it will definitely be worth the wait! Your precious little spirits are so excited to meet you, I'm sure!
You are wonderful. You are a mom through your example to others through your calling and being a wife. I am so glad we are friends. You can come down here still and be my baby's second mom for sure!
im so glad someone sent you that text to bring your spirits up. We just have to remember its not in our time but the lords. I know that doesn't really help but enjoy the moments right now.
I'm glad you had a good day! Things will work out, just remember that. I don't know your Mom, but I'm sure she's great. And I sure love Ellen! She is so fun and always so happy. I miss her now that we don't go to Bear Lake together every year. :( And YAY for Prest coming home soon!!! I can't believe it!!!!
Keira, thank you so much for sharing your heart... I almost felt like I was reading one of my journal entries from a few years ago. What your cousin said was so true! All of the little things that seem mundane or frustrating about children to other mommys will be little miracles to you. You just remember that you have special spirit children waiting to come to you, they are watching you and already learning from you. You ARE a mother. Pray for your children, pray for Heavenly Father to give them the hugs you want to be giving them right now. Live your life in a way that your precious children can see and gain courage knowing that their mommy is making it in the world and that if you can, so can they ...Live so they can see that you and their daddy are happy and are embracing life instead of wishing time away... Like I said, you ARE a mother. The veil is so thin and so "mortal" - You may even have moments where you can almost feel them with you, and they probably are! You have to be one of the sweetest people I have ever met. You sparkle. Reading your blog always makes me want to be a better person for my family. Your testimony seeps through your words, even when you are not bearing it .... I"m sure Heavenly Father has reserved such special.. I mean, really special children for you. :) Like Krystal said, it's all in the Lord's time. Don't beat yourself up, just put it in his hands, do your very best and know it will happen exactly when it's supposed to, and when it does your eyes of understanding will open and you will know why it took so long and you will be so glad that it happened the way it did, because it was the way and time the Lord wanted it to happen. :) - Who knows, maybe the Lord is trying to prepare you, but maybe He's preparing your sweet children for something out of the ordinary.. :) Anyways! I love ya, Remember that the Lord is there for you, he will carry your burdens and make them feel light, even in the midst of the trial, let Him fill that void for you through his atonement :) ..
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